This community has not seen me in so long i care not to count the days. Even sadder is the horrible truth that no one cares. But still i feel the burning desire to draw that has been growing in me has gone for to long unquenched and leaves me feeling far to raw emotional and at risk of laughter teary eyed and distraught.
Ill try and keep this as brief as i can but fair warning is that im heartbroken (still) and utterly inconsolable and as most heart on their sleeve artist tend to break down and go into entirely to much length if i dont watch myself. Ill try to here. But fort hose who dont care for the tawdry details my question to my fellow artist is simply this. How do i draw paint whatever when my heart and soul are crying out to draw my long lost love, and my brain and all things rational wont let me lift even a piece of lead to paper with her in my mind??
As you may have guessed im no longer living the life i want to live. The woman i was very much and sadly to say still am in love with has left me (for what appears to be another man). And having done so left me broken on many different levels including artistically, as the last piece that i had been working on i had to throw away for the sake of what little sanity i managed to spare, that piece of art being the engagement ring i had designed and was finishing the wax mold for.
As much as i want to ask all of you how this happened how will it get better and the question not even she will answer "WHY???" i know none of you want to answer and even fewer of you care. (dont feel ashamed im working to that point myself)
But for a while afterwards i couldnt think of art work. Im still not really at all happy and have used art to escape my pain rather than interpret it, but this time is different. For some cruel and unusual reason i want to draw nothing but her, no there not all wonderful still in love scenes, some is just her heavenly face that cant escape my inner vision, i just want to draw her.
Even typing that down and seeing it before me i know the answer is probably obvious. But does it have to be. Despite still knowing down in my heart that i love her doesnt make any of this easier. Ive simply tried to forget it all find space distance and peace for myself. My desire to draw her doesnt fall to that end. I want this part of my life over, im leaving soon for a brand new life and existence on the other side of the world and reality and i dont want to look back. I cant look back. When she kicked me out of the home and the life we built together i tried to leave everything behind, how do i leave this behind. She was not only my sweetest ever but she had become my muse.
So i guess theres the question restated so i must be done bleeding from the mouth. So how do i pick my pencil back up and draw again and not draw back into my past my past i long for more than my future?